Photo by Camilynne PhotographyWith heavy heart and feet lugging along like two blocks of lead on the walk to school this morning, I asked myself, What in the world am I doing? My oldest son, Jackson, had a particularly hard time saying goodbye this morning. I was late as usual, and my heart broke as I had to shut the door on a child who was fighting back tears over his own mother. As if being a performing artist wasn't enough for my kids already, I had to go and sign myself up for school. Good going, Min! Sometimes I wonder if my "above and beyond" attitude is a psychological reaction to getting married so young. Am I overcompensating for things I thought I would miss out on? Am I running from something? Is staying insanely busy a way to avoid deeper seeded issues in my life? Maybe I just have a healthy appetite for learning. I have been trying to get to the root of it all day long.
Jackson's final request this morning was to go on a date with me tonight. There is nothing I could have wanted more. We dined at Magelby's Fresh. I ordered my favorite - the halibut. Jackson ordered chocolate cake. No more, no less. He acted like a perfect gentleman, offering me a bite of his cake and chatting with me about life as an eight-year-old. Things have been improving for him at school, which is such a relief to me.
About halfway into dinner, I asked him how he felt about me being a singer.
"I love it!" he said enthusiastically. I was surprised by his support.
"What about when I have to go away?" I queried.
"That's the best part!" he responded with chocolate crumbs all over his face, "except for when you're gone too long, like when you went to New York."
"What? That was only for two days! What about when I went to Monaco for a week? Remember? When Thatcher broke his leg?"
"Oh yeah, that was awesome! He deserved it. He was chasing me down the stairs," he explained in his defense. Kids will be kids.
I have always felt that being a singer songwriter is something I was meant to be. I can't shake it from my system. I don't want to shake it from my system. I have felt God's support in continuing on this path. And in spite of some difficult times, I feel my family's sincere support. But I have also always known that my life would not look like everyone else's. And whose life does anyway? I have to figure out creative ways to make it work. Sometimes I make poor choices. I hope I can learn from those and not be too hard on myself.
I overheard two friends talking the other day. One said to the other, "I'd like to take back those things I said yesterday, " to which the other replied, "I'd like to take the things back that I said too. But we don't get to take them back. We only get to forgive each other."